We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
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#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
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he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is