Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
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Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
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If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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