i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
