RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
