I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
