Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
