so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
