she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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