nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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