he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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