So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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