you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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