I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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