Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
