is your mom at the bar?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
