I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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