sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
