I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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