I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
