The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
