This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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