Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
