Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
