my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
