My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Randomize
