i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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