I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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