Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
