This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
