i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
