U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
