bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
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