i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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