Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
