you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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