I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Watching her eat just hurts me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
