I have demons in me.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
