If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
