i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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