I feel like abortions should bother me more
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
