When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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