oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
