Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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