Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
