Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
