If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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