it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
