I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
