Your face is a jimmy john
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
