I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
