i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
