I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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