just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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