I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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