So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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