I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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