It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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