I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
