y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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