I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard